Here she comes back

“You’re not STUCK at home, you’re SAFE at home.” Yeah, thanks Facebook. Now do me a favor and shut the fuck up.

*****
That was my reaction to yesterday’s daily social media onslaught of reminders, exhortations, and scoldings. I KNOW that it could be a lot worse and I KNOW that it’s important to stay at home and maintain social distance. I KNOW. I just don’t want to know right now.

It’s April 30, or March 61, however you’re observing the calendar. Today, I decided that I have to get serious about getting rid of the eight or so pounds that I’ve gained since we entered lockdown on March 13. So of course, I’m starving, and all I can think about is food. It’s dreary and gray and cold because it’s almost always dreary and gray and cold. My workday is finished and this is normally time for my walk but it’s pouring rain and just no. Maybe it will stop before it gets dark. If I’m walking, then I’m not eating.

*****
It’s Friday now, May 1. I can’t even believe that it’s May. It’s almost summer and we lost an entire season.

I’m having a hard time communicating with someone, and I’m trying to figure out where my own responsibility lies. I started with thinking that it was all the fault of the other person, that this person is choosing to be difficult, choosing to be obtuse, choosing to deliberately misunderstand or misconstrue everything I say. Maybe that’s what’s happening, or maybe not. Every relationship--not even relationship, really, but every interaction--has more than one participant and in other than extreme cases, both or all participants usually share the blame when things go wrong. So it’s probably my fault, at least in part. I just can’t figure out how right now. I’m having a hard time getting out of my own head, but maybe all I really need to do is get out of the house. I’ll do that a bit later. I’m going to try to work this out.

*****
It’s Saturday and all of a sudden it’s legitimately May. The first weekend of May is when, in normal years, my internal clock begins to tick down the weeks, days, and hours until Memorial Day and the beginning of my beloved summer. I don’t know what summer will look like this year but I’ll love it even if it’s not its usual self. Even if there’s no vacation trip, no beach visits, no graduation parties, no swim meets. Even if (I hesitate to even think it) there’s no pool.

Meanwhile, I don’t know or care whose fault it was or is but I’m no longer at odds with the person I disagreed with yesterday. I think it was me, and I think the person knew it was me and chose to be gracious, and now we’re fine. I think. The sun is out today and I can always think better and see things more clearly when the sun is out. It’s four weeks until summer.

Still, I don’t want to hear a word out of Facebook. Not one fucking word.