I had my second colonoscopy last week. It was terrible.
Well, actually, it was great because it’s really nice to know that I don’t have colon cancer. So I shouldn’t complain, but I will because ClenPiq? What the FUCK?
If you have never had a colonoscopy, you might not know that the procedure itself is a breeze. It’s the prep that is terrible. The prep involves cleaning out your colon with some kind of strong laxative - usually a prescription medication. You do this the day before the procedure, along with consuming nothing but clear liquids. It’s just as disgusting as it sounds.
Since this wasn’t my first time, I thought I knew what to expect. But as it turns out, different prep solutions have different effects on people and the one that was prescribed for me this time made me sicker than I have ever been in my life. I didn’t think it was possible to throw up that much. And how do I put this? Let’s just say that the stuff did what it was supposed to do. My body was completely drained.
When I had little kids, a thing that always amazed me was how they could suddenly and violently bring up everything in their little stomachs and more, and then bounce up hale and hearty and ready to play. Vomiting is traumatic for me. If I’m sick one time, I’m down and out for at least several hours. If I’m sick, oh let’s say 10 times in a row, then I want to find a hole and crawl into it and cease living. That’s what happened to me on Wednesday night into Thursday morning. I had to be at the surgery center at 1 for a 3 PM procedure appointment. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink, and that wasn’t a problem because I couldn’t even drink water at that point for fear of vomiting again, which I was determined not to do. After a shower, I just sat in bed wrapped in a blanket, letting my hair dry, and waiting until it was time to leave the house.
*****
You know those little stretchy soft terrycloth hospital socks with the grippy soles that come in pastel colors and are packaged by the pair in little plastic bags? I love those socks, and now I have a new pair. Don’t tell me that there’s no upside to a colonoscopy, because those socks made last week’s ordeal almost worth it.
*****
Montgomery General Hospital has some pretty robust patient security protocols. I arrived at the surgery center early, and they put a wristband on me pretty much as soon as I checked in. Every single person I spoke to asked me for my name and DOB and my doctor’s name and the procedure I was scheduled for, and every person checked the bracelet to make sure I was telling the truth.
They were also really nice to me. I like to think that I’m a person who prefers not to be fussed over, and this is generally true, but in my weakened state, I didn’t mind a little bit of fussing. They gave me a hospital gown and the aforementioned socks and when I had changed, they placed me on a gurney with a pillow and a warm blanket, where I waited for a bit until it was time for them to roll me into the surgery suite. Then they gave me another warm blanket. At this point, I was very tired and very comfortable and I was hoping that there would be a bit of a wait so that I could just take a nap. But just as I was about to sleep, the nurse-anesthetist came to administer the propofol, which gave entirely new meaning to the word “nap.” I remember taking one breath and thinking that I felt a little out of it, and then I remembered nothing until I was awake again and sitting up. I was offered apple juice or ginger ale and crackers, but I only wanted water. I didn’t remember anything about the procedure but I vividly remembered the vomiting that preceded it and I desperately did not want to bring on a recurrence.
Thankfully, I was fine - both from a “keeping the remaining contents of my stomach in place” standpoint and from a general health standpoint. They left me to rest for a bit, and then it was time to get dressed and go home. They put me in a wheelchair (another hospital protocol), rolled me out to the sidewalk, and I got into my husband’s waiting car and went home, where my fuzzy socks and I did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.
*****
That was all, I’m sure, far more than you ever wanted to know, but if you read my last post, then you will be bound to admit that I did threaten to write about my colonoscopy. I keep it real around here, but I also give fair warning when necessary. And after that, caveat emptor.
It’s a week later now, and I’m back to normal. Even better than normal, really, because I feel pretty upbeat and positive - not just because of the not having cancer thing, which is great; but because I have been putting this thing off for months and months and it’s so great to have it over with. Euphoric is not too strong a word to describe my post-colonoscopy mood. If I start to feel down again, I’ll put on my fuzzy hospital socks and remember how lucky I am to have a clean bill of health.
