Say crack again

It’s the first full day of Daylight Savings Time, and I’m the only person I know who didn’t complain about the loss of an hour of sleep. It’s not that I don’t miss the sleep, because I do. But I love DST, though it's on borrowed time (get it?) For some reason, there’s a groundswell of anti-DST sentiment. If coronavirus doesn’t get to it, then an act of Congress likely will. But I’ll enjoy the long days for as long as I can.

You know what I won’t enjoy? Spring. You’re a bitch, Spring. Yes, Spring is pretty and shiny and bright, but she is the nastiest skank bitch I’ve ever met. Spring is a fugly slut. I do not trust her.

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I have a shitpile of stuff to do, because it’s Spring (Bitch). So I just spent an hour tearing through my to-do list, getting shit done. I checked on my sign-ups, created a new sign-up, responded to emails, wrote some more emails, figured out transportation for this week’s baseball scrimmages, and wrote a job posting for a junior coach for the swim team. I didn’t hyperventilate even one time. Spring and I fight every year, but this time, I’m going to win. I might have to push her in front of a bus, but I’m going to win.

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It’s Tuesday now. I went shopping after work, thinking that I’d just get a few groceries. I refuse to yield to coronavirus hysteria, but I thought it might be prudent to stock up a bit. Just in case, you know what I mean?

There are four known cases in Montgomery County, Maryland, where I live. And every day, there are more and more pressing calls for the local government to shut down the schools or limit public gatherings or some damn thing. I don’t know what anyone should do except wash their hands and stay home if they’re sick and clean everything in sight. I’m all stocked up on almost everything, just in case we have to self-quarantine, a term that I never used before last week and hope not to have to use again. Meanwhile, I’m planning to go to work tomorrow, because it’s Wednesday and I always go to work on Wednesday. I have to remember to wear pink, or those bitches won’t let me sit with them at lunch.

*****
It’s Wednesday and on Wednesday, we wear pink; and we freeze soup and we stock up on canned goods and frozen pizza. Swept up in the mounting anxiety, I stopped at Aldi for another round of corona-shopping, and I’m ready for a siege.

I did some corona research today, so now I know that the virus that causes COVID-19 is one of several coronaviruses that cause respiratory infections in humans. MERS (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome) and SARS (Serious Acute Respiratory Syndrome) are other coronaviruses; so called because the spiky protrusions on the round surface of the virus look crown-like. An infinitesimally tiny microscopic particle is causing whole cities to shut down. According to NPR, an 11-year bull market ended today; not because of trade wars or political upheaval here or around the world; but because of a teeny tiny little sphere like a crowned head, like Caesar. Do you remember what Gretchen Wieners said about Caesar? Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar!

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Things I saw today:
A man wearing a t-shirt with the words “Everything is going to be fine” printed in white on black
Water fountains sealed with garbage bags and duct tape
Daffodils
Forsythia

Things I heard today:
All coronavirus, all the time

It’s Thursday, March 12, and you know what? She finally cracked. Gretchen Wieners finally cracked.

Say crack again.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

In just the last 24 hours, all of the major sports have either suspended or delayed their seasons, the NCAA cancelled its conference championships, and the Governor of Maryland ordered schools to close for the next two weeks. And Tom Hanks! Coronavirus got to Tom Hanks, so I guess it’s coming for all of us.

I was in Safeway again this afternoon, collecting the last few self-quarantine essentials. I walked past two women who were hugging and laughing; joking that onlookers would judge them for failing to socially distance. I finished shopping, and got everything I needed. Fortunately I didn’t need disinfectant or hand sanitizer or (why?) toilet paper because those things were all gone. And I feel like I need to write this all down because someday when I’m old, young people will ask me what I remember about March 2020; and I’ll remember those laughing women and golden forsythia and the man with the “Everything is going to be fine” t-shirt. It’s a little crazy right now. Spring is a bitch, and she ramped it up a notch this year. But the t-shirt guy was right.  Everything is going to be fine.