Full House

My mom is here for the week. With my sons also at home for the summer, it’s a full house. I’m working from home for the entire week because I don’t like to leave my mom alone. She’s not too steady on her feet and when she gets stiff, she has a hard time getting up on her own. I fuss over her a lot when she’s here, and she doesn’t seem to mind. I think she likes it, really. 

We’ve been doing this - having her stay here for a week at a time -  for about two years now, and there’s a routine. My mom arrives on Sunday, late morning or early afternoon. My brother, who drives her here, stays for about five minutes and then he hits the road for the return trip. My mom stows all of her stuff, ⅔ of which she will not use, in the spare bedroom. I sit with her on the patio when it’s nice and in the family room when it’s not, and I keep her company while she watches her favorite TV shows. I make breakfast and lunch. Sometimes I make dinner and sometimes we go out and sometimes we pick up dinner to go. In the spring and fall and winter, I take about 45 minutes during the day to walk. In the summer, I run out to the pool to swim laps. We spend the evening together, and then I go to bed at about 11. My mom stays up late. I usually wake up at around 2, and find her sound asleep in a chair, and I make her go to bed. 

*****

I have a friend who asks me where my husband is every time I appear in public without him, which is to say all the time. My husband works a lot, and he often works at odd times so I often go places without him. Every time, my friend asks me where he is. 

With my mom here, not only am I constantly asked about my husband every time he’s not in the house; I am also expected to account for the whereabouts of the other members of the household at all hours of the day and night. My sons are 24 and almost 21. The older one has graduated from college, and still lives at home (and is welcome to continue living here for as long as he likes). The younger one is home for the summer, and is coaching two different swim teams while also doing a part-time internship with a minor league baseball team. Both of these boys - men - are employed and busy and free to come and go as they please. They tell me where they’re going and when they’ll be back and when they plan to be away all night, but I don’t give my mom the full report. I just tell her “Don’t worry about them, they’re fine,” and she says “I just like to make sure that everyone is safe.” 

You know all those stories that GenX people tell about running wild all day and night, and not being allowed in the house during the day, and drinking out of the neighbors’ hoses? Yeah, all of that is true, and it’s hilarious that my mother is more worried about the safety of my grown sons much more than she ever worried about me when I was still an actual child. 

*****

On Tuesday evening, I took my mom shopping at Kohl’s. She has mobility issues, and trudging around a department store is difficult for her but I know her tastes and her sizes very well, and we have had a great deal of shopping success when I act as her personal shopper. I find her a chair, she sits down, I ask what type of thing she’s looking for, and I run around and bring stuff back for her to look at. When she was here in May, she got a skirt, two t-shirts, two cardigans, and a rain jacket - all picked by me. Yesterday, she was looking for loungewear, undergarments, and socks. Kohl’s had a wheelchair available, so I put her in the wheelchair so that she could see the entire store. We found everything she wanted, and she had a good time except for my near collision with a clothing rack. You can’t look away to say hello to a neighbor while you’re pushing a wheelchair or it will veer off course. Lesson learned. 

*****

It was stormy on Wednesday night. It was stormy on Tuesday night, too, but those storms passed through quickly, and Wednesday’s storms lingered throughout the night. A great deal of rain has fallen here in the last few days, but it’s more humid now, not less. Maryland’s climate has already changed. It’s tropical here now. We’re like Florida with a little bit more winter and a lot less fascism. 

My mom kept looking out the windows on Wednesday night. “Are your cushions OK?” she’d ask. “Do you need to put your furniture away? Is stuff going to blow away?” A crash of thunder, and she’d say “Where are the boys? Are they out driving in this? They’re not out driving in this, are they?” It’s absolutely hilarious that I am the one out here saying “Don’t worry about it. Everything is fine. Everyone is fine.” “Don’t worry about it” is not my line. We’re in Opposite World. We’re in an alternate timeline. 

*****

Muriel Spark’s Memento Mori, one of my favorite novels, is about a group of very old people in postwar Britain who receive anonymous notes and phone calls from a series of mysterious strangers. The messengers and the medium vary but the message is always the same “Remember you must die.” I won’t give away the plot other than to say that there’s a murder, but the murder has nothing to do with the anonymous messages, which are reminders, not threats. We all must die, so the memento mori “Remember you must die” is just the plain truth. 

I don’t have the book in front of me so I’ll paraphrase except for the phrase “potent distillations” - the characters have all reached the age at which they no longer try to subdue their personalities. The filter is gone. They have become “potent distillations” of themselves, more intensified and concentrated versions of the people they have always been, for better or for worse. 

This is just a random literary observation, apropos of absolutely nothing. 

*****

It’s Saturday morning now. My mom is leaving tomorrow. I’m not sure what we’ll do today. With her limited mobility, my mom can’t walk long distances or really any distance at all. She’d like to go to a flea market and although I would not normally choose to visit a flea market, I certainly wouldn’t mind doing that. There are a few flea markets and farmers’ markets in the area but finding parking literally next to the venue with little or no walking required would be challenging. We’ll see. 

My mom is sitting next to me right now. She doesn’t know that I’m writing about her. LOL. My poor sister spent the entire week cleaning her hoarder house, and not only is my mother messaging a Facebook contact right now about purchasing even more Byers Choice carolers (IYKYK and if you don’t then count your fucking blessings) but she will spend the next week complaining about the house because she likes her clutter the way it is. And if she lived by herself and could take care of herself then it wouldn’t be any of our business. But my sister lives with her and takes care of her and the clutter and mess drive her insane. I don’t know how she does it. And now I’m thinking that a flea market is exactly where my mother doesn’t need to go because she doesn’t need to buy any more junk. We’ll find a farmer’s market instead. 

*****

It’s Sunday afternoon now. I took my mom home this morning; or rather, I took her to the Maryland House and handed her off to my brother, who took her home to Philadelphia. I’m always sad when she goes home, even though she drives me crazy and her visits leave me exhausted. But it will be nice to have my house in order again. She’s just as messy here as she is at home. I will not miss seeing mom stuff on every flat surface in the house. 

We did end up going to a farmer’s market yesterday, which was rather difficult given the heat and lack of shade and lack of close-by parking. But we managed. We took our time walking from my car to the market, and I was able to borrow a chair from a kind vendor so that she could sit for a few minutes, and she seemed to have a good time. We had lunch in one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants; and when we finally got home and out of the sun, my mom napped on the couch in the dark cool family room with “Father Brown” on TV in the background. She’s not low-maintenance but she doesn’t ask for much when it comes to entertainment, either - a farmer’s market and lunch and a couple of quick errands is a nice busy day for her. 

I’m hoping to swim today but the weather is unsettled. I experienced at least 10 weather events on my way to and from the Maryland House today; a total of about 3.5 hours round trip. Maybe things will settle down a bit. But meanwhile, I’m going to catch up on laundry and get my house back in order and get ready for a new week. My mom’s next visit will probably be in September. I’ll provide a full report.