It’s late December. It’s 5:30 PM and I was too busy today to stop working for a few minutes to catch the last few minutes of late afternoon December light, and now it’s dark. The 10-day Christmas countdown has begun, and it’s just over two weeks until the end of 2022. This is now the third “don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out” year in a row, and I’ve learned a few things. I’m not going to make any flippant remarks about how happy I am to see the back of this Godforsaken year because the next year absolutely HAS to be better, because what have the last few years taught me except that the next year does not at ALL have to be better, and that it could easily be 100 percent worse.
God I’m fun, aren’t I?
*****
It’s Friday now and I thought ahead, so I was able to finish my workday at 4:30 and then spend the last half hour of daylight outside. It was a perfect December sunset afternoon, thin sunlight gradually fading as the sky turned gold and pink and orange. It’s cold but not unbearably so. It was still and quiet outside, and I walked fast, trying to cover as much ground as possible and return home before darkness fell. I saw only two other humans: a neighbor boy on his bike, and another neighbor, a swimming friend, out for a late afternoon walk.
It’s 5:30 and I have to go to a holiday party with my husband’s work colleagues. What I’d really like to do is stay right here in the house where the dark has collected in the corners and the Christmas tree and the TV (MSNBC, on mute) are the only light. I could start a fire. I could read a book or watch “Elf” for the 47th time, because watching “Elf” is the second-best way to spread Christmas cheer. But I’ll go to the party because I said I’d go, and I’m sure I’ll have a good time.
*****
It's Saturday morning, bright and clear, and the Christmas party was fine. I’m not 100 percent sure that it was better than sitting on my couch would have been, but right now few things appeal to me more than staying at home on the couch.
I’m just keeping it real.
Anyway, Christmas Eve is one week from today but before you can experience the peace of Christmas you have to run the gauntlet of the last week of preparation and shopping and social activities. It's going to be a week. Right now I'm on my way to the MLK Aquatic Center, where I will serve as referee for today's meet against Northwest High School. I have the whistle around my neck. I'm wearing my white polo shirt. I hate white polo shirts but I love high school swim meets.
*****
The meet went very smoothly (because of competent officiating, obviously) and was over in a flash. High school swim meets are short and sweet. We rolled out of there at 11:30 and that's when the real work; i.e., cookie baking, commenced. Unlike most people who love Christmas (and I do love Christmas) I don’t like baking cookies. But now it's done, and I don't have to bake another cookie for a whole year. I started writing this paragraph just as I set the 10-minute timer for the very last batch. When that timer went off, I surveyed what I had wrought - about 300 or so cookies, cooling on racks on counters all over the kitchen, which was destroyed. A veritable crime scene, I tell you. Flour everywhere, and tiny bits of cookie dough stuck to everything. The faucet and the door handles on the refrigerator, oven, and dishwasher; and the countertop, and the salt shaker - the salt shaker! Everything was absolutely encrusted with gosh-dang cookie dough. But the place is clean now, and my shopping is done.
I’m not out of the woods yet, though. I still have a very busy work week ahead. The shopping is done, but nothing is wrapped. I’m finished baking but I haven’t even started cooking. Peace on earth and good will towards men is a shit ton of work, I tell you what.
*****
It’s Tuesday now. Last night I remembered yet another thing that I was supposed to do and didn’t do. Well, I should say “hadn’t done,” because of course I stopped what I was doing and did the thing as soon as I remembered it, but my mind is still not at ease because what else did I forget? Who else is mad at me right this minute because I promised something and failed to deliver?
*****
The winter darkness seems darker this year. The cold seems colder. Everything seems hard, and I mean everything. I have to plan my day around the simplest tasks. I have to steel myself to get up out of bed or off the couch or even out of my desk chair because it’s way easier to keep working than to shift focus and transition to another thing. I’m overcome with inertia.
What is wrong with me? WHAT is WRONG with me? It’s supposed to be a joyous and peace-filled time but I feel neither joyful nor peaceful. And I’m just so tired.
*****
I told some friends that I am in a bit of a mental health crisis because there’s really no other way to put it. My inclination during such times is to just isolate myself and avoid contact with others. This never works. So I reached out, as the saying goes. And I’m glad I did. I feel a little better about how terrible I feel, if that makes any sense at all. I feel less alone with it. It feels less heavy.
One of my friends even ordered a UV light for me. She had it sent directly to my house, which was so kind. And I think it’s helping a little.
I keep thinking that I need a few days to rest; a few days when I don’t have to do anything or cook anything or clean anything or even look at a clock. Just a few days.
*****
It’s Thursday night now, and I’m finished working for the year. I have a lot of wrapping and cooking and cleaning to do, but I’m sitting on my couch and writing about it instead of doing it. I came home from work at 5:30 or so, filled with good intentions. And I did do a few things, but then the cold and the rain got to me and everything felt overwhelming, and now I’m stuck on the couch.
I could start packing cookies and treats for the neighbors. I think I’ll do that. I’ll be upset if I let the entire evening pass without trying to accomplish something. And transferring all of my anxiety from my mind into this document does not count as an accomplishment. Especially when it doesn’t even work because I still feel anxious. Now the anxiety is in my head and on this page, all for you. You’re welcome.
I have to say, that did make me feel better. There’s a nice stack of boxes of cookies and treats in the kitchen, and I even wrapped some presents. Lucky I did all that because I woke up sick and ended up in urgent care for two hours today, December 23. I don’t have COVID or flu or strep (which is what I thought I had). I just have some undefined viral infection. I feel sick. I feel too sick really to come up with funny descriptors. We’ll just keep it at “sick.”
But I feel better in my mind. I know why I’ve been so tired and lackadaisical, and I’m just going to stay inside for the rest of the day and let myself recover. It’s very cold outside but the house is cozy. I have books to read and a movie or two to watch, if I can stay awake. God willing I will evict this virus from my body in the next day or so. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
*****
It’s 4:35 PM again, my favorite time of day in December. Absent Christmas, December is trash but there’s no denying the beauty of a late-afternoon December sky.
Oh, and it’s also Christmas Eve, and all of the presents are wrapped and everything that I can do to prepare for dinner tomorrow is done, and all we have to do now is be together, all of us at home, in the house where once again the dark is beginning to collect in the corners. The Christmas tree is alight with twinkly lights and there’s a nice fire in the fireplace. My husband and sons are watching football while I tap away on this keyboard. It’s lovely to have everyone in the same room at once. I don’t even feel sick anymore.
I could stay right here just like this all evening but we’re going to Christmas Eve Mass at 6 PM, so we’ll have to get up soon. This is positive inertia. Is that a thing? I’m making it a thing. Positive inertia is when your lack of desire to move is the result of contentment, not anxiety or indecision or just plain tiredness. I feel like a cat in a sunbeam.
*****
Christmas dinner is easier than Thanksgiving dinner. It’s 3 PM on Christmas Day now and I’m waiting for the last few things to warm up. Most of my Christmas menu lends itself easily to advance preparation or even advance cooking. On Christmas Day, I make some vegetables and I put the ham in the oven, and I warm up all the stuff that I prepared the day before, and I wait for the accolades to roll in. And the accolades do roll in. I’m a mediocre cook, most of the time, but my holiday dinners rule. My Christmas dinner in particular kicks ass, in the most positive purely metaphorical sense.
It’s been brutally cold here for the last few days but the sun is out today and my husband and I went walking. I was layered from head to toe - leggings under my pants, two pairs of socks, three layers up top, a scarf wrapped around my head, and gloves on my hands. My husband deigned to put on a jacket. We walked a shortish route at a briskish pace, and didn’t see another human. Now I’m finishing the last few minutes of preparation. Christmas is the product of weeks of work and planning, and it’s over in a flash.
When I was young, I enjoyed it as children enjoy it, opening the presents that our parents bought and wrapped for us, eating the food that my mother and grandmother prepared, basking in the warmth of holiday lights and music and reveling in a week and a half free of school and homework and early morning wake-ups. As much fun as that was, though, it’s more fun to be the person who gives this time to others. My children and my niece and nephew are opening gifts and eating treats and basking in holiday coziness, all of which I worked very hard to produce, and I am all for it. It really is better to give than to receive. Merry Christmas.
No comments:
Post a Comment