The broccoli shouldn't mess with me, is all

I came home today literally sick from anxiety. It's a long story. Sometimes someone kicks you when you're down. Sometimes, they kick you hard, with both feet, which are wearing steel-toed boots. And then they step on you, just to make sure you felt it.

And I felt it. So came home and I vacuumed like I had a grudge against the carpet, and then I chopped some vegetables like I was Inigo Montoya and the broccoli had killed my father and then I finished some work, the kind of work that you never really finish, and I was still sick. Shaking, sick to my stomach with a blinding headache and a lump in my throat, I put on a suit and went swimming in the almost too-warm pool. I was exhausted after 20 laps and I wanted to do 30, but I had to stop at 24.

I felt calmer afterward. Cooler, and tired enough that the anxiety seemed a little bit far away from me, as if I was observing it but not actually feeling it. But I remembered it.

*****

I had to work super-early this morning, and I thought I wouldn’t sleep but I did. I left the house before dawn and the sun came up very suddenly. One minute it was dark and the next moment I was shading my eyes against the sun. That wasn’t meant to be a metaphor, but I suppose it could have been because today was a better day. It’s not all OK now, but it’s better.

I take a picture of the Capitol every time I walk past it. I didn’t quite walk past it this morning (we drove instead of taking Metro), but I saw it down the street from HHS, and I took a picture of the creamy white dome shining against the pink-gold morning sky. A lot of stupid shit goes on in there, but it’s pretty and I suppose that’s all that counts in a picture.

U.S. Capitol and U.S. Botanic Garden, from the
Hubert H.  Humphrey Building, 6:30 AM, July 16, 2019. My Google Pixel 2 takes OK pictures,
but it didn't really capture the creamy shine of the dome glowing in the early sunlight

*****

That was Monday and Tuesday talking. It’s Friday now. Things are looking up a little bit, but I can still see the abyss from here if I turn around and look behind me. So I won’t turn around or look behind me. Problem solved.

I’m working from home today and just finished some research, so I’m taking a break to write, and then I’ll stop writing to write some more, only it’ll be the writing that I get paid to do. Later on, I’ll read a few pages of a book that I’m almost finished. It’s tragic and terrible and bleak, but I’m rationing those pages because I’m not ready for it to end. Maybe right now I should think about reading something that isn’t tragic, terrible, and bleak. Maybe I should get out of the house. I’ll do that later.

*****

I finished the book and I miss it already. And now it’s Saturday, the hottest day of the summer so far--almost too hot for me. Almost. Summer swim season is almost over and the pool is almost too warm and I’ll be on vacation in almost a week.

It was a bad week, and I took the Lord’s name in vain more times than I care to think about, so before I go to the pool, I think I need to go to Confession. I need forgiveness and I need to forgive. That last part is harder. Confession starts at 4 and it’s 3:22 so it’s almost time to go. Until next week.