Sunday, September 29, 2024

Helene

This is an untitled document, and it shouldn’t be. I started writing something yesterday, and I even titled the document because the thing that I was writing about was a vague and unformed idea and I knew I’d forget about it if I didn’t write it down in some form. Today, I find that my most recent Doc is untitled, and blank - not a word. And just as I thought I would, I forgot what it was I was going to write about. 

So let’s talk about the weather, shall we? It’s been raining for five straight days here, and by the time Helene gets her fat ass out of here, we’ll likely have had ten straight rainy days. It hasn’t rained hard, really, and we’re not seeing thunder and lightning and gusts of wind, but a low-pressure system is hanging over us, and after it makes its exit this weekend, Helene’s remnants will take its place. 

Do I have any right whatsoever to complain about the weather when Florida and Georgia and the Carolinas are taking a hard beating today? No I do not. Will I complain? Yes I will. It’s too much rain. It’s too much gloom. Everything looks dingy and blah. The whole world feels damp. Moss is going to start growing on my furniture any day now. The deer and the squirrels keep looking at me as though waiting for an invitation inside. It’s a mess. 

*****

It's the next day now, Saturday September 28. It rained hard overnight and was still raining at 7 this morning when I woke up. Now it's just overcast and foggy and warm and densely humid. I can't tell where the sun is because it's shrouded in layers of clouds on top of mist on top of fog. 

I'm in the back seat of my car, on Maryland 200 heading toward I-95 North. We're driving my mom to the Maryland House to meet my brother, who will drive her the rest of the way home. If criminal gangs are out here trafficking cantankerous old ladies, then the FBI definitely has its eyes on us because we do this every six weeks or so. Maybe we should vary our routine a little bit. Maybe we should make my mom wear a disguise. 

*****

It's been quite a week. My mom is kind of falling apart, and it's hard to see. It's hard watching your parents fall into decline, even if they weren't the greatest parents. And it's hard to be an almost old person watching a truly old person and dreading your own eventual decline. That's why I walk and swim and climb stairs and lift weights and do stretching and strengthening exercises every day. I'm in training for old age. 

*****

My mom likes to watch old movies and TV shows, especially British comedies. We let her commandeer the TV when she's here so I don't see much news, which is probably best considering that there were three men executed, two of whom were very likely innocent of the crimes for which they were condemned; combined with catastrophic Old Testament weather combined with an election that’s close even though one of the two candidates is a criminal, an unrepentant liar, a creepy misogynist and sexual predator, and a stone-cold racist who is also clearly out of his ever-loving mind. How is it close? How? 

And that’s just this week, and just his country. Compared to world events, my mom is the picture of health. Compared to world events, my mom is in great shape.  

*****

It’s Sunday now, and we’re going to a little afternoon football watch party. I don’t care about football at all, but a party might be just the thing. I know everyone who will be there, and it will be nice to eat snacks and drink wine and talk to my friends. Maybe I’ll even watch a little bit of the game here and there. It’s raining again, so we’ll be inside. 


Saturday, September 21, 2024

All politics IS local

I am a person with few enemies. I’m very friendly despite being almost pathologically introverted, and I don’t talk shit about people, and I don’t look for trouble, and I try to be helpful whenever I can. I like most people, and most of the people I know like me. I think so, anyway. I could be wrong. 

But everyone has an enemy or two. Everyone has that one person (or many people in some cases) with whom they just don’t click. I’ve lived in my neighborhood for almost 20 years and I get along with almost everyone here, except for two women with whom I have had repeated disagreements and misunderstandings about one thing or another. The blood is just bad now, and I don’t even try anymore. I don’t even worry about it. I run into these women from time to time and I say a polite hello and they say a polite hello, and then I get out of there as fast as I can so that those bitches can talk about me behind my back. I never talk about them behind their backs, of course, unless writing about them on the internet counts as talking behind their backs. 

Last week, I was out for an evening walk, and I saw one of these women coming toward me from the opposite direction. She wasn’t after me or anything, she was just out minding her own business, taking a walk with her husband. But she saw me just as I saw her and it would have been awkward to the point of rudeness for either of us to change directions or duck around a corner to avoid the other. I sucked it up and prepared for a stiff exchange of pleasantries with my foe. I’m sure she braced herself, too. 

And then just as we were in polite hello striking distance, a thought occurred to me. “Hi (name and name),” I said. “Did you guys see that debate?” LOL, as if they’d have missed it. 

Were you thinking that politics was the last thing I should have mentioned? In most cases you’d be right. In a normal awkward need-to-make-small-talk scenario, I wouldn’t have touched that debate with the proverbial barge pole but in this situation, it was the one safe topic. 

Ironic, is it not, that politics is the go-to low-risk conversational opening gambit with a person with whom my relationship is strained to say the least? But I’ve known this couple for a long time, and I knew where they stand. She and her husband, both retired lawyers in their early 70s, are old-school liberals and very politically engaged. They planned their week around that debate, and I knew that this was one topic that I could bring up and be pretty much certain of an overwhelmingly positive response. 

And I was not wrong. “Oh my God, did we ever,” she said gleefully, “and she wiped the floor with him.” 

“I know,” I said. “It was awesome.” 

Something crossed her face just then, very quickly. I think that maybe she had thought that I was a Trumpity Trumpster, and that she expected a very different reaction to her initial reaction, and that she was maybe a little disappointed that she didn’t get that reaction. But then, having established that we were both on the same side in this election (again, I already knew where she stood or I’d never have brought it up in the first place), we spent the next 15 minutes of waning daylight gleefully recounting our favorite moments. We both agreed that the Vice President was this close - THIS CLOSE - to calling Donald Trump a mothereffer, and we applauded her instinct to do so. We mocked Donald Trump’s sad attempt to turn “I’m speaking” into a gotcha moment (I wish that Kamala had chuckled and said “Good one, sir”). And we agreed that the cat and dog eating moment was alternately horrifying and hilarious, but of course that was before a week of bomb threats and school closings made clear that it was not hilarious, and not even slightly funny. 

I know for a fact that this woman dislikes me (or at least she did) - a lot - because people have reported back to me. It’s not my imagination. But after a few minutes of debate talk, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she invited me out for a girls’ night. We bonded, I think. We buried the hatchet. If you listen to the news media, then this election is the most divisive in American history, but in my neighborhood, Harris vs. Trump is bringing the people together. Happy days are here again. 


Tuesday, September 17, 2024

Three hours

 “Will he go for three hours, do you think?”

“Yeah, I wonder that too. I mean he’s almost 75. I’d be off that stage in 90 minutes but we’ll see.” 

That was my husband and me at dinner on September 7, just before our fourth Springsteen concert together. We saw him in 2009, 2012, and 2016; and he bought the tickets for this tour in mid-2023. Health issues forced Bruce Springsteen to reschedule his late 2023 shows, and we held on to the tickets. 

It was a perfect clear Saturday night at Nats Park, after a cloudy afternoon with little bursts of half-hearted rain. We took the Metro Red Line from Glenmont to Fort Totten and then switched to a Green LIne train to Navy Yard. 45 minutes from door to door, and that included driving to the Metro station, parking, buying a new fare card because I left my fare card in my wallet which I didn’t have with me because I was trying to carry as little as possible in my tiny tiny tiny Nats Park-compliant bag, waiting for the train, changing trains, and waiting for the second train. When Metro is good, it’s very very good. We strolled along First Street with all of the other happy concert-goers, feeling sorry for all the people in their cars, driving around the neighborhood looking for parking. 

When we arrived for the show, very early, an older (than us) couple were in the seats directly behind us. Very lovely people but extremely gregarious. Very talkative. Outgoing to a degree that I just cannot understand or cope with for extended periods of time. We chatted with them, meaning that we listened and nodded and threw in a few appropriate remarks at appropriate opportunities, for about an hour. And then just when I thought that I couldn’t handle any more interaction with these preternaturally friendly humans, the stadium lights went down and the stage lights went up, and the crowd began to roar. It was 7:40 PM, exactly 10 minutes past the scheduled 7:30 PM start. 

Our seats were on the club level. The section itself was a normal section, not a corporate box, but it felt fancy walking through the glass doors from the cement concourse to the carpeted club section. It was much more pleasant buying drinks in the indoor lounge area than from a concession stand. And the bathrooms in that section are SO MUCH NICER. 10/10 would recommend. 

*****

My first Bruce Springsteen concert was in 1984, during the Born in the USA tour. Even if you never attended a Born in the USA tour show, even if you weren’t alive in 1984, you probably know what Bruce wore on stage that night - faded blue jeans, a white t-shirt, a bandanna. People throw around the word “iconic” to describe all manner of garments and outfits, but this look was truly iconic according to the Oxford English Dictionary, which defines “icon” in several ways, including this: “a person or thing regarded as a representative symbol.” The blue jeans and t-shirt and bandanna were truly a representative symbol of American rock and roll. So was Bruce himself.  

He was in his 30s then, and incredibly energetic, constantly in motion, a live wire. I don’t remember very much about that show (except that my ticket cost $19 and my t-shirt cost $10) other than a story about Bruce’s father, an old-fashioned conservative who was relieved rather than disappointed when the Army rejected his son, keeping him out of Vietnam. I’m sure he told that story at every show. Stories are part of the performance. But it was still moving. 

*****

40 years later (almost 40 years to the day - I looked it up and the Philadelphia shows were in mid-September, just as I had remembered), Bruce is still very energetic, but more restrained, more dignified. He still wears jeans, now paired with a button-down shirt, a vest (also fully buttoned) and a tie. His hair is very short. His clothes are perfectly tailored. He looks very GQ now, very natty. He also still looks very rock and roll, but elder statesman rock and roll. There’s nothing edgy about his persona now; nothing rebellious or punk about his look or demeanor. His appearance and comportment on stage make clear that he knows exactly how important and legendary he is, and that he has neither the need nor the desire to come across as young or of the moment. He has nothing to prove. 

But even though he has nothing to prove, he was still on stage for three hours, playing mostly his own standards, everything from “Badlands” to “Tenth Avenue Freezeout” to “Promised Land.” The mostly but by no means exclusively older crowd sang along, roaring approval as each familiar intro played. I’d already planned to pretend that I couldn’t hear them if our very gregarious new friends in the row behind us insisted on chatting with us during the show, but thankfully they stopped talking and sang along with the music. 

When we arrived at 6:15 or so, the friendly couple were among the very few other people in our section. The field had already begun to fill up, though - there’s no assigned standing position and latecomers with field tickets end up way in the back, far from the stage. The man tapped me on the shoulder (this man touched me at least 5 times, and managed still not to creep me out). Pointing to the standing room area on the field, he asked “Do they stand the whole time?” 

“The whole time,” I said. “Better them than us, right?” Laughing, we all agreed that people our age (50s) and people their age (early 70s) have no business in a mosh pit. People in the stands didn’t really stand and dance, so they wouldn’t block the view of seated people behind them, and Nats Park security didn’t allow dancing in the aisles. The only place where you could dance all night was in the standing room area on the field. 

Until the encore, that is. At a Springsteen show, the encore is actually like a second show. When the stage lights went down, I expected a five-minute break, so I ran to go to the restroom, and ended up missing most of “Born to Run,” because the encore started almost immediately. I could still hear, though, and I’ve heard “Born to Run” probably 200 times at least, so it’s OK that I missed it. 

During that encore, which went about 30 minutes, all of Nats Park was a mosh pit. Everyone was on their feet, dancing and singing along to “Born to Run” and “Thunder Road” and “Rosalita.” Bruce sang “Well tell him this is his last chance…” and the crowd finished for him. It was Rosalita’s dad’s last chance to get his daughter in a fine romance, because the record company had just given her suitor a big advance. There are few songs more fun to sing along to in public than “Rosalita.” The famous band introductions happened in the lead-in to “Tenth Avenue,” which featured huge photo and video backdrops of the late Clarence Clemons and Danny Federici. The band left the stage a second time, and then Bruce returned on his own and performed “I’ll See You in My Dreams,” and then the show was over at just about 10:40 PM. 

Our friends had already gone home - they missed most of the encore because they drove to Nats Park from Springfield, VA and wanted to get ahead of the traffic. I’m sure they hated to miss the last few songs, but they probably did the right thing because by the time we got out of the stadium, the streets were already gridlocked with cars filled with people trying to get back to Maryland and Virginia. The Metro station was also very crowded, but the crowds were orderly and calm, and everyone got on their trains. 

Bruce Springsteen will be 75 very soon, so it’s not unreasonable to wonder how much longer he can do this. I mean, I’m not quite 60 and I’m wondering if I should be out here dancing at concerts and buying $50 t-shirts. Between Metro and t-shirts and drinks and dinner and the tickets, we probably spent $800 on this concert. Middle class people like us can spend $800 on a night out or we can put two kids through college. We probably can’t do both, at least not often. But a Bruce Springsteen concert is a special-enough occasion that it’s worth the money. If it does turn out to be his last tour, I’m glad we were there. 


Tuesday, September 10, 2024

I fought the law

I got pulled over by the Navy police on Monday morning, for the second time this year. The first time, it was because the rental that I was driving while my car was in the shop turned out to have expired tags. They inspected the car from top to bottom, and then sent me on my way after advising me not to drive on the base with an unregistered vehicle again. I teleworked for the rest of that week. The Navy doesn’t play. 

On Monday, which also happened to be my birthday, I drove on to the base as usual, made the usual wide right turn at the stop sign to drive past Walter Reed, and then heard the sirens. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the police car and knew immediately that I didn’t need to ask for whom the siren was tolling because it was tolling for me. I pulled over right in front of the hospital, turned on my flashers, put the car in park, and waited. 

I waited for seven minutes, and nothing happened. I know that you’re not supposed to get out of the car when the police pull you over but I had started to wonder if I’d mistaken their intentions, and they weren’t telling me anything, so I opened my door and started to step out and heard an amplified voice ordering me to stay in my vehicle. Hands in the air, I shouted “I just wanted to make sure you had pulled me over. Did you pull me over?” Yes, they had pulled me over. I had no idea what they were waiting for until the second police car pulled up. Back-up - that is what they were waiting for. I texted my husband, and then texted my boss and coworkers to let them know that I’d be late for our 0800 meeting. One of my coworkers texted back: “Stay calm!” Lol. Has he met me? I was already freaking out, and by the time the second police car pulled up, I was shaking like I had Lalo Salamanca’s bail money piled up in my trunk. 

All’s well that ends well. They let me off with a verbal warning, after a slightly sarcastic reminder that there is another stop sign at the left turn onto the road that leads to campus (I KNOW!) and I went on my way, careful to count to three when I came to a full and complete stop at that stop sign. Did they notice that it was my birthday? No one said “Happy Birthday” or anything, but it’s right there on my driver’s license and after almost 20 minutes of sitting in my car pretty much surrounded by police vehicles, I had expected at least a ticket if not a first-hand look at a Navy brig. So maybe they noticed that my date of birth made Monday my 59th birthday and they took pity on me. I’m glad. Because I’m pretty sure I also got a speed camera ticket on Connecticut Avenue earlier that morning, making this an already unreasonably expensive commute. And I’m sure I wouldn’t survive on the inside. 


Friday, September 6, 2024

Doomsday reading

First, a correction of my earlier comments about the ending of Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. While not exactly a happy ending, it was not an altogether sad ending. I would describe that book’s ending as “fitting.” 

Full disclosure - I had not quite finished the book when I was writing about it. I counted my chickens when they hadn’t yet hatched. 

*****

Right after I finished T and T and T, I read Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five, which I had never read before. And then I started on Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, which I’m still reading, but almost finished. 

Both of these are great novels, the former a classic that is part of almost every literature curriculum (I have no idea why I never read it before last week) and the latter a newer classic published in the 90s that has gained a wide readership thanks to the internet. It was a critical mass book for me; one of those that enough people whose opinions I trust have mentioned as worthwhile that I finally started reading it. 

Aside from being great novels, these books are both grim and even terrifying (especially Parable). Slaughterhouse Five is about the bombing of Dresden and its lifelong impact on an American POW who survived because he was held in an underground slaughterhouse. Parable of the Sower is about the total breakdown of civilization and depicts a dystopian future United States in the years 2024 and beyond. As the story begins, the first-person narrator, Lauren Olamina, is a teenager living with her family in a relatively secure walled community surrounded by chaos and extreme poverty and even more extreme violence. You know within a few pages that the chaos and violence are going to penetrate the walls and that the Olaminas and their neighbors' situation, already precarious, is going to deteriorate. And - spoiler alert! -  it does. People do everything that people can do to other people when there are no social structures and no consequences; and Lauren’s fear is compounded by a hyperempathy disorder that causes her to feel others’ pain when she sees it. And she sees a lot of pain. 

You might wonder why I am even doing this to myself, and you would not be alone in asking this question. Why am I doing this to myself? And why are Kurt Vonnegut and Octavia Butler doing this to me? That last question is easy to answer, actually. Both of them just wrote about the truth as they understood it. Kurt Vonnegut actually did survive the bombing of Dresden; Slaughterhouse Five's protagonist, Billy Pilgrim, is a fictionalized version of Vonnegut himself. And although Octavia Butler didn’t experience a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles hellscape, it’s not hard to imagine that in such a scenario, the rich would remorselessly exploit the poor and that the strong would relentlessly abuse the weak and that people would rape and torture and kill for any reason or for no reason at all. Octavia Butler might not have seen or experienced the things she writes about in Parable (God I hope she didn’t) but she didn’t make this stuff up, either. It happens all the time. 

Books aren’t always supposed to be easy, for either writers or readers. Fiction can’t always be a pleasant escape, even when it’s page-turningly compelling, which Parable of the Sower certainly is. Reading about suffering and atrocity feels like facing it a little bit, like not turning my back on all of the actual real people who have endured such things. That’s why I do this to myself. 

*****

All the same, though, I do hope that Lauren Olamina and her band of refugees will wind up safe and prosperous on Bankole’s farm. I’m near the end of the book, and I’m almost afraid to find out. 


Monday, September 2, 2024

Seasons

It’s Monday, September 2, 2024, 9:45 AM or so. I’m normally at work at 9:45 on a Monday morning but today is Labor Day, my very least favorite holiday. 

The pool will open for the day in about two hours. For the first few hours, it will be a normal pool day, with the adult swim whistle blowing at 45 minutes past the hour every hour. It will be more crowded than usual, of course, because holidays are free guest days, and everyone will want to get their last swim in. But by 5:30 or so, the occasional swimmers and the families with very young children will have cleared out, leaving the last few hours to the serious pool denizens. The lane ropes and the rope that marks off the diving well will be gone. The lifeguards won’t bother with the last two adult swim whistles. There will be simultaneous games of knock-out, sharks and minnows, and water polo with lounge chairs as goals. It’ll be fun, but a little frantic. And then as it’s getting dark, the final whistle will blow and pool summer will be over. And I’ll feel a little bereft and sad for a few days, but by next week at this time, it’ll be fine. It’s nice to have seasons, even when your very favorite one has to end.