Saturday, October 31, 2020

Until December

It’s Friday, 11:15 AM, which is not my customary writing time at all. I’m a creature of habit. I work first, and I write later. But I’m very distracted today and I can’t keep my mind focused on any of my work tasks, so I thought it might be wise to take a break and do this early in the day. I’ll make up the time on the back end. 


Why am I so distracted? It would be easy to blame the state of the world and the impending election and likely post-election crisis and unrest; and of course, the damn ‘rona. It’s always the damn ‘rona. But really, I’m just unfocused and mentally lazy today. I gave myself a stern talking-to a little while ago. It didn’t take, so here I am. 


Speaking of being here, “here” being my daily writing habit, this is going to change a bit on Sunday. Sunday is November 1, the first day of NaNoWriMo, and I don’t see myself being able to do that and this at the same time. So if it gets to November 15 or so, and you’re wondering where I am, then that’s where I am. And thanks for wondering where I am, by the way. 


*****

It’s not just any Friday. It’s the last Friday before the election. As I mentioned before, I do not expect this election to shake out like most normal elections, but I will still be glad when it’s over. Tomorrow is also Halloween and we are handing out candy to any trick-or-treaters who defy the county’s “guidance” regarding Halloween. No, I’m not a COVID-denier. But I’m also not a life-denier. Infectious diseases are part of life. So are holidays. So is actual real-life in-person interaction with other humans. We’re not going to eradicate this or any other infectious disease by forbidding people to live life. So I’m going to live life. And in October, that includes Halloween candy, but not pumpkin spice latte, because we’re not animals. We’re not animals.


*****

It’s Saturday morning, Halloween. I looked out my kitchen window earlier this morning, the first sunny morning in a week, and the light had completely changed. The trees are almost bare and the ground is covered with crunchy dead leaves and the sunlight is pale. It looked like Thanksgiving morning. The morning hours of Thanksgiving day are among my favorite of the year. I could live with winter if it was all early morning Thanksgiving day. But it doesn’t work that way, does it? 


I’m on the couch in my pajamas. It’s 9:45 and I don’t know what I’ll do today other than hand out candy and do my other usual Saturday quasi-quarantine semi-lockdown stuff--walk around the neighborhood with my friend and her dog, run errands, avoid politics, drink a glass of wine. I keep wanting to buy stuff. I don’t need any stuff, but I do like to buy stuff. The holidays are approaching, so I’ll just buy stuff for other people. I have a plan for tomorrow: Start writing a novel. I need to make a plan for today, but first I have to get off the couch. See you in a month, give or take. 


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Decision 2020

I voted on Monday, which was the first day of the one-week early voting period in Maryland. I knew that I wanted to vote early but I didn’t have a plan, other than to go sometime during the week. I’ve always loved voting on Election Day, but I expect two- to three-hour waits that day, and it’s a workday for me. But the early voting location was very crowded and busy at 5:30 PM; and it felt almost festive, despite the floor signs, placed as six-foot-intervals, reminding us to maintain six feet of distance between ourselves and the voter in front of us; hashtagged #StoptheSpread. It seems silly to print a hashtag on a sign, but if it makes them happy then I won’t complain. 

I parked my car at the far end of the lot and walked into the building, wondering why every community center in Maryland smells like chlorine. This one doesn’t even have a swimming pool but maybe they’re bleaching everything to kill the ‘rona. Anyway, the Queensguard Community Center is a very nice building: airy and light and clean and modern; with skylight windows near the ceiling and terra cotta-like tiles on the floors and bright, well-appointed meeting rooms and exercise rooms separated from the corridor by walls of aluminum-framed windows. The line moved very quickly but I wouldn’t have minded a longer wait in such a nice space. 

I took notes using my phone, blithely ignoring the signs forbidding their use. The signs were in Spanish, so I could always pretend not to understand them. And although I am generally a rule follower, I do need rules to make sense and it doesn't make any sense to tell grown people that they can't use their phones in a taxpayer-funded public building. I know my rights. That's why I'm here. 

As the line moved down the long corridor toward the gym where the actual voting was happening, an officious election judge was loudly reminding a young volunteer how to count the voters as they entered the building. I heard her say 940, and then she turned toward the line of people and bellowed "Attention everyone. We have checked in 940 voters so far on this first day of early voting, and it's not even 6 o'clock!" She was rewarded by a quick but enthusiastic round of applause. I'd have waited until 1,000 to make that announcement. But of course, I probably wouldn't have made an announcement at all. I don’t like to attract attention. I’m an under-the-radar and behind-the-scenes kind of girl.

I checked in, and a friendly volunteer handed me a large manila folder with my ballot card; and then I waited in one last line for my turn to actually vote. A tiny woman, a bit older than me but not much, was in line directly in front of me. She was very casually well-dressed, in dark jeans and boots and a very nice wine-colored wool jacket. Her short-cropped spiky hair was stylishly colored, and she was carrying a beautiful black shoulder bag. She too was ignoring the no-phones signs, scrolling through her news feed as she waited her turn. I saw her heavy-framed statement glasses when she glanced backward for a moment, and then the volunteer who was managing the line called her forward, leaving me first in line. I waited another minute, and then it was my turn. 

It didn’t take long for me to finish voting. I had to read one of the ballot questions a second time to make sure that I understood what a yes or no vote on that question would actually mean, but I was firmly decided on the other questions and candidates, so I was finished in two minutes. I thanked the volunteer and went on my way. As I walked out of the building through the same long corridor, I saw that the line to vote stretched out the door and a few yards down the sidewalk. There were easily 60 people in that line, likely including the day’s 1,000th voter. The lady who had voted ahead of me was in the parking lot, taking a selfie in front of a huge Biden-Harris sign attached to a high fence just past the no-electioneering perimeter, so I guess I know whom she voted for, if I couldn’t have guessed it by looking at her. 

It’s Wednesday now, just five more days before this is all over--the voting part, at least. I hope that we’ll have a result next week, but I’m resigned to the very real likelihood that we won’t. But I did my part, and that’s all a person can do. Decision 2020 is a wrap. 

Monday, October 26, 2020

Suburban campsite

Not long ago, I changed the route for my near-daily neighborhood walk. I walk for exercise and to think, not for scenery; and so the monotony of the same route every day seldom bothers me. But every so often, a change is in order. So now I’m walking past different houses on different, but still-familiar streets, and noticing details that I don’t pick up when I’m driving through on an errand. 

Our neighborhood is a Levitt neighborhood, built in the late 1960s. It has about 600 houses or so, all of them built in one of five or six styles that were popular at that time--ranch, colonial, Dutch colonial, Cape Cod--you get the idea. Our house is a ranch style, which the Levitt Company called the Judson model. All of the house styles have names. I know only the Judson (mine) and the Endicott (the colonial). 

On one of the main streets through our neighborhood, there’s a house in a style that I call the Hollywood house, because its front courtyard reminds me of a movie actor’s Beverly Hills starter house circa 1950. I don’t know the style name, but it’s a u-shaped house, and the front courtyard is enclosed with a low brick wall and a gate. It’s nicer than it sounds. There are only a few of these houses in the neighborhood, and I like them. The particular example that I’m thinking about is one that I have actually seen from the inside. A friend is a real estate agent, and I visit her open houses. It was probably ten years ago when I visited this house, and it was at its for-sale open house best, inside and out. 

A decade later, and the house is less pristine, less show house perfect, but it still looks very nice. The shrubs and trees have matured, offering more privacy and shade for the courtyard; and the brick wall and walkway and the wrought iron gate look sturdy and well cared for. 

So I walked past the house, and I saw a homemade political sign on the strip of grass that borders the sidewalk in front of the house. The sign has a red elephant and a blue donkey and the legend “I'm not undecided. I'm unimpressed.” As someone who hates both major parties, I agreed in general principle with the sign, though I’m not undecided. I’m voting for the candidate who isn’t Trump. But that is the extent of my partisan commitment. I walked past the house another day, and I noticed a cartoon taped to the brick wall. Literally taped, with Scotch tape. I don’t know how it stayed put, but maybe it’s extra heavy-duty Scotch tape. I stopped to look at the cartoon, which was an old, non-political Far Side. I must not have found it very funny, because I don’t remember it. 

A day or so later, I found that in addition to the elephant and the donkey and the Far Side, the owner had also posted another lawn sign, for his own handyman business. He also parked an old truck on the street in front of the house, with For Sale signs in its front and rear windows. I didn’t think anything of this; the truck, or the additional sign, or the cartoon, until I walked past the house again the next day. The truck and the signs and the cartoon were still there, along with a cooler, a very large, mountain-climbing-style backpack, and two old but serviceable folding beach chairs. The whole thing had begun to take on the look of a campsite; or maybe “encampment” is a better word. I wondered what was next. A tent? A picnic table? Lanterns and a bucket-style shower? An outdoor stove powered by Sterno cans?

*****

I avoided the area for a bit, to give the site a little time to expand. It was like waiting for a package. I looked forward to seeing the next surprise. Then I walked past the house again a few days later. The folding chairs and the truck and the cooler and backpack were gone, replaced with  wooden spindle-back Colonial-style chairs and a bookcase, lending the scene an air of living-room permanence. The Far Side cartoon was gone. Maybe he was having it framed as part of the redecorating effort. He had also added another lawn sign proclaiming his independent political affiliation, though he hadn’t put down a carpet yet. It seemed possible that he was just discarding the bookcase and the chairs; but the arrangement (chairs slightly tilted inward toward each other to encourage conversation, and facing the bookcase) suggested that they were there for a purpose. 

I kept thinking about the homeowner as “he.” I never saw anyone enter or exit the house when I was walking past, and I don’t know iif a whole family lives there or if it’s just a man or perhaps an older couple; but I felt certain that the person who was arranging and re-arranging the furniture and decor was a man, at least in his 60s or possibly 70s. 

*****

Our little Levitt-built community has a governing association and a neighborhood pool and a very active listserv and even a newsletter--an old-fashioned on-paper newsletter printed on yellow paper, stapled in the upper-left corner, and hand-delivered in hard copy to every home in the neighborhood, four to five times a year. Most of the houses are more than 50 years old, but we still have quite a robust contingent of original owners. I also know of at least three houses owned by people who grew up in the neighborhood (two of those people own their actual childhood homes). We have block parties. We have a neighborhood swim team. We have walking groups and an annual 5K. It’s a mid-century suburban enclave that feels like a small town. 

There are advantages and disadvantages to this neighborly spirit. People here look after one another. We know our neighbors and we know our neighbors’ children. It’s nice to feel like part of a community, and to see your friends’ children grow up, and even to mourn with your neighbors when a family member dies. 

On the other hand, people do like to be up in each other’s business, as they say; especially when it comes to property maintenance and appearance. We have rules (they’re called covenants), which most people don’t pay much attention to, but which are very very important to a certain contingent of people who are particular about the way the neighborhood looks. These are the people who complain about unsanctioned fences and sheds. They make pointed comments on the listserv when a neighbor’s lawn is overgrown or if their leaves are not raked. Anonymous calls to the county code enforcement office are not unheard of. Shit gets real. 

So even as I followed the expansion of my neighbor’s little campsite, I wondered what the other neighbors were thinking. Something about the arrangement of the furniture and signs and clippings made me think that maybe the man was trying to provoke a reaction, or that he wanted to display his iconoclastic lack of concern for rules and suburban aesthetic standards. Maybe he wanted to bring the indoors out. I don’t know if he follows the listserv or if he reads the newsletter. Maybe he does, but he thinks that people wouldn’t notice the gradual accumulation of stuff; or he hoped that they would and that he could use his little display as an opportunity to fight for his right to do whatever he wanted on his own property. Anyway, I continued to follow these developments with considerable interest. 

*****

After another few days, I walked past again. The Far Side cartoon was back, taped to the brick wall with thick strips of shipping tape; and a new cartoon was taped right next to it. The new cartoon depicted a bunch of Bozos in the House chamber. The caption read “In the halls of Clowngress.” This man’s design sensibility is interesting, but his taste in political humor is suspect at best. 

The chairs and bookcase were still where I’d last seen them. There was also a barn jacket hanging from a hanger on a tree, with a stack of folded clothes on a chair just beneath it. A lantern was placed on top of the bookcase, right in the middle. This was getting interesting. I wondered if maybe the man’s wife was threatening to throw him out of the house, and maybe he was planning to camp out on the front lawn and sidewalk. I resolved to walk past the next day, to make sure that I didn’t miss anything. 

The next day, almost everything was gone, except for the jacket. A disassembled bookcase--I wasn’t sure if it was the same one or not--was piled neatly in the driveway. And there he was! A man in his 60s was dragging his recycling bin down the driveway to the curb. He smiled and waved at me, and I smiled and waved back, and I kept walking. 

*****

The homeowner was a white man in his 60s, just as I had predicted. But still he wasn’t exactly what I had expected. He was friendly and smiling and quite normal-looking--not wild-eyed, not even unkempt. I’d avoided taking pictures of the site because I thought that maybe a madman was watching from the window and that he’d run out to confront me if he saw me photographing his property. I’d walk past, nonchalant and carefree, minding my own business; and then I’d stop to take a few cursory notes so that I wouldn’t forget details. But I suppose I needn’t have bothered with the precautions, because I don’t think that this man would have cared. He might even have posed for the picture. 

It was warm for a few days, but now it’s cold again, and the campsite is gone for now. I never did figure out what was behind it, and why it disappeared almost as suddenly as it appeared. I watched the listserv closely, waiting for complaints about the situation; but surprisingly, no one said a word. Maybe any neighbors who objected spoke directly with the man and politely asked him to dismantle the encampment, and he obligingly did so. Because it’s still possible for neighbors to be nice to each other, and to be reasonable, and to cooperate and compromise. It’s still possible for people to care about others’ feelings. I’d like to think that this is what happened. 

I wish that I had taken a few pictures, but this hot mess is well over a thousand words now and so I have the equivalent of at least one and three-quarter pictures.  The ever-changing campsite was a highlight of my daily walk for a few days, and I’ll miss it. But maybe it will be back in the spring. Maybe a lot of things will be back in the spring. 


Friday, October 23, 2020

In earnest

Monday, October 19. It’s Monday, late afternoon, and I’m finished work for the day; or rather, I’m all but finished. I’m waiting for the answer to a question. That answer might or might not come today, but there’s no point in wasting time, so I’ll kill this bird and then pick up the same stone again if I need to kill another one. 

Forgive the poor choice of figurative language. I’m not in the habit of killing birds, with stones or anything else. I am in the habit of doing two (or more) things at one time, an approach that yields mixed results. Multi-tasking isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 

Anyway, it was a fine day, except that I couldn’t do several of the tasks on my to-do list because I could not read my own appalling handwriting, which grows worse by the day. It’s what I call a problem, because it is a problem. Though I swore that I would never sit for another exam ever again, I’m studying for a certification exam, taking copious notes, and I don’t know how much use these notes will be when it comes time to review them. But the act of writing things down helps me to remember. Except, apparently, when it comes to my to-do list. I still can’t read three of the items that I wrote down on Friday, and I don’t remember what they might be. 

*****

Tuesday, October 20 (two weeks away from the biggest shit-show of an election in American history). It’s Tuesday now. I’m in the middle of at least half a dozen drafts, and I’ll finish them soon. But in addition to writing, I’m also reading P.D. James’ Time to Be in Earnest, a one-year diary of her life from 1997 to 1998, and this inspired me to return for a bit to the daily diary form of writing. Of course, a day in P.D. James’ life generally consisted of having lunch with former Prime Ministers, or delivering an endowed lecture, or meeting with her publisher to plan an international book tour; and mine right now consists of sitting around the house in sweatpants editing IT service catalog pages and creating PowerPoint presentations and wondering what to cook for dinner; but each life has its place, you know?

Oddly enough, I have never read any other of P.D. James’ books. I don’t know what attracted me to this one, but it’s very good. P.D. James happened to have been born at the right time (1920) and the right place (England) with the right talents and gifts to become the perfect first-hand witness to history and social change. The book is supposed to be a daily diary of just that one year, but she also writes quite a bit about her entire life; enough that this is almost an autobiography or memoir. Because the book covers a year that overlaps 1997 and 1998, James records her immediate reaction to the death and funeral of Princess Diana. I’ve watched “The Queen” about half a dozen times, and it’s very interesting to read an Englishwoman’s real-time impressions of the events depicted in the movie. I’m going to watch “The Queen” at least one more time; and I’m also going to read more P.D. James. It turns out that she also wrote The Children of Men, the movie version of which I have also seen about half a dozen times. 

Sweatpants and PowerPoint and half-finished essays and re-watching old-ish movies--I can’t imagine why Prime Ministers, former or present, aren’t lining up to get me on their luncheon calendars. But enough about lunch. I still need to figure out dinner. 

*****

Wednesday, October 21. A neighborhood friend has been posting daily updates on Instagram, with captions that always begin “Social Distancing: Day (number).” He passed Day 200 a few days ago. I didn’t look at a calendar to count and see if he started with March 14 as Day 1, as I would have. It’s enough to know that 200 days is too many days. 

Since March, we’ve had little pockets of normal life here and there, for which I’m grateful. But the abnormal has far outweighed the normal. I’m losing my social skills, and they weren't that great to begin with. I never know what to wear. I spend several minutes every morning puzzling out this question, accounting for weather and video calls and if I’m likely to leave the house and for what reason. And then I put on leggings and a sweater, or shorts and a t-shirt, and that’s what I wear for the rest of the day. 

I keep thinking that I want life to return to normal; that I want to be out in the world, busy from morning to night, and that I want to wear real clothes every day, and to take a bit more care with my appearance. But do I? Do I really? Every day, all 200-plus since March, seems to rob me of a tiny bit more of my energy and initiative. I walk every day, weather permitting; and I still have work. I still keep the house clean. I write every day, and I keep in touch with people. But if I’m honest, and I’m always honest, then I must admit that of all the things that call my name, my family room couch has the loudest and most compelling voice. If I did only what I wanted to do today, then I’d have spent the entire day on that couch, finishing P.D. James and re-watching “Miranda” and “Mary Tyler Moore” on Hulu. And sleeping, because I can’t sleep at night. It’s Day 200-whatever. 

*****

Thursday, October 22. Today is a better day. After a thick morning fog that hung on until nearly 10, the sun came out, and everything looked much cleaner and brighter than it did amid yesterday’s gloom. And yesterday got even worse after I wrote that entry, with pestilence on top of the plague; pestilence in the form of SNAKES. THREE OF THEM. 

I live in Maryland, in the Washington DC suburbs, not in Florida or Australia or the fucking Mekong delta and so I do not expect to have to dodge serpents when I take my daily walk. Yes, they were garter snakes (and one of them was definitely dead) but THREE snakes in one little 2.5 mile suburban stroll is at least two more than I would expect to see and absolutely three more than I ever want to see, because I never want to see any snakes, not even little ones, not even deceased ones. 

You and me both, Samuel L. Jackson. You and me both. 


Today is the the day of the last of the three presidential debates; and I can’t wait to not watch it. It’s also ten days until the start of NaNoWriMo, and I’m going to try that again this year, because what could go wrong. I have a character and (kind of) a plot and everything. It’s very tempting to start writing now, but other than writing down a few ideas (because I don’t want to forget), I am going to follow the rules. I’m going to begin writing on November 1 and I’m going to stop on November 30; and hopefully, I will end up with a 50,000-word novel. That’s 1667 words a day. I can write 1667 words a day on my head. I can’t vouch for the quality or coherence of the words, but I can write them; and if I’m following the rules (and I’m always following the rules) then that’s all I have to do. The editing comes later. P.D. James died in 2014, so she probably knew about NaNoWriMo. I don’t know what she might have thought about it. I suspect she would have disapproved, but I could very well be wrong. And she's not the boss of me anyway. 

*****

Friday, October 23. I am not a TGIF person, not as a rule. It’s not that I don’t love weekends and time off, because I do. But I also like work; and counting the days until Friday has always seemed tantamount to wishing away days of one’s life (one P.D. James book, and I’m already throwing around the impersonal pronoun like it’s dolla dolla bills in a hip-hop video), and that seems unwise. 

But this week? I think I hit the wall with the COVID-enforced WFH this week, and Friday couldn’t come a day too soon. Two days away from my computer and I’m sure that I’ll return to next week’s onslaught of virtual meetings and teleconferences with my customary good cheer, but I spent today teetering on the edge, and one more call would have pushed me right the hell over. 

I was going to continue writing this post for two more days, but I haven’t published anything since October 8 and I don’t want you all to forget about me, so I’m going to wrap up this little dear diary week today. I have a few more pages of P.D. James left; a few more days of 1998, when Microsoft Teams didn’t exist and Donald Trump was just a loud-mouthed real estate developer. A person should live in the present rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, but it’s hard sometimes, I tell you. It’s hard sometimes. 


Thursday, October 8, 2020

Proliferation

Do you know what I just did? I just bought another handbag. This might seem like a thing that is not even worthy of mention; and in and of itself, it is not. But if you’re not doing anything and you have all the time in the world, feel free to search this blog for the words “handbag,” “tote bag,” “purse,” “pocketbook,” or “reticule.” 

Not the last one, of course, because it’s not 1893. It’s 2020, and I have far too many handbags, as your careful search of these keywords will have made manifestly and abundantly clear. Not only did I buy another handbag, but I bought a whole bunch of other random stuff that I don’t need. And even though I know that I don’t need these things (in fact, I won’t even WANT some of them when they finally arrive), I just keep yielding to the impulse to add something to my electronic cart and then to finally push the “place order” button. There’s always a momentary thrill just as you push that button, isn’t there? And then of course, there’s the fun of anticipation, the frisson of excitement as the mail truck or the UPS truck rumble down your street, slowing until they stop right in front of your house. Nothing else sounds like a delivery truck arriving at your front door. 

*****

Do you have any particular rage triggers? I’m not an angry outburst kind of person, liberal use of the f-word notwithstanding. But I do have a few things that provoke unreasonable, blinding, furious rage. A wrong turn, especially at night, is one of those things. Last night, I turned the wrong way on a now-unfamiliar road (I say “now-unfamiliar” because it’s a road that I used to drive on nearly every day; but I no longer live in that neighborhood and the street and the neighborhood look very different now because of twenty years of construction and development) and the result was a 15-minute detour in the dark and a near collision (entirely my fault) with a person who was trying to make a perfectly legal left turn as I tried to blithely sail straight through an intersection from the other left-turn-only lane. I was furious. Not my finest moment. 

And drawers! How I hate it when a drawer gets stuck closed or (much worse, because it looks sloppy) stuck open. I have to walk away from a jammed drawer. Thank goodness I’ve never had a hammer nearby when a drawer was stuck because I’d turn the whole cabinet or desk or chest into kindling. 

The worst thing about a drawer that’s stuck is that I almost always know that it’s going to happen when I put in that one extra thing that’s just too much for the drawer, but I do it anyway because I can’t stand to have things laying around uncontained and because I can’t let the drawer win. Me and a dresser drawer are like Donald Trump and the coronavirus. I’m not going to let it dominate me. I’m just going to call in a Navy helicopter and a team of Secret Service agents and Army doctors and then stand back and let them show that drawer who’s boss. 

*****

So I followed my own instructions, and I did a search of this blog using the recommended terms. It turns out that I have written about having too many handbags more times than other people actually have handbags. Does that make sense? I’m talking about sheer numbers, a subject about which I am not qualified to write, but just try to stop me. 

I like to think of myself as a person who is not a collector, but that’s self-delusion of the highest order, because I have more than enough handbags to form a collection; not to mention hundreds of books, dozens of t-shirts, a shitpile of notebooks, and Bic four-color pens distributed everywhere I might need them to take a four-color note. It’s not reasonable. And it occurs to me, with my razor-sharp intellect and unparalleled deductive reasoning skills, that there might be a connection between a proliferation of stuff such as I describe here, and drawers that won’t close (or open). 

The moratorium begins now. No more handbags. No more non-electronic books. No more four-color pens, except to replace one when the ink runs dry. No promises on the t-shirts. I do love t-shirts; and in my defense, I accumulate them, but I seldom actually buy them. 

*****

And now it also occurs to me, with my steel-trap mind, that t-shirts are the only thing on this list that I actually store in drawers, so a handbag and book and pen moratorium won’t solve my drawer-rage problem AT ALL. As for bad night driving? That’s only going to get worse, I’m afraid. It’s all downhill from here. 


Monday, October 5, 2020

Cloak of Invisibility

I just finished reading Hilary Mantel’s Giving Up the Ghost, a memoir that covers her whole life from childhood to 2003, when the book was published. I didn’t discover Hilary Mantel until this year, when I read the Wolf Hall trilogy, the first volume of which was published in 2009. I was disappointed that the third volume didn’t win the Booker Prize as the first two did, but this isn’t the year for novels about Tudor England to win big literary prizes. I don’t know if Giving Up the Ghost won any prizes, but it’s pretty extraordinary. 

Hilary Mantel’s parents split when she was very young, and her beautiful mother “took up,” as the expression goes, with another man. The man, who became Hilary’s stepfather, was hard-edged, masculine in the most old-fashioned sense of the word, and impatient with “little Miss Neverwell,” an unkind doctor’s description of Hilary, who was frail as a child. Her health didn’t improve as she got older, but more on that in a minute. 

My parents also divorced when I was very young, and I also had a stepfather who had little patience with my weakness, my fears, my dreamy forgetfulness. It was what it was, and it couldn’t have been easy for him, either. What I remember most about that time, the time between my father and stepfather, was change and upheaval that no one bothered to explain to us children, because it wasn’t our business. We didn’t go to my grandparents’ house on holidays anymore; we went to my stepfather’s house and spent the day with his brothers and sisters. All of a sudden, people who were once my neighbors were now my aunts and uncles. I had to check in with them when I got home from school. I had to do what they said. It didn’t make any sense to me. I was not a defiant or rebellious child, but I did need things to make sense. 

Hilary Mantel experienced a similar slight estrangement from her grandparents when the family moved to a nearby village to escape the censure of neighbors (her mother and stepfather were not married). Her family was different from mine and working-class poverty in the early 1960 in the north of England was much harsher than working-class poverty in 1970s Philadelphia (we had heat and indoor plumbing). But she suffered the same confusion and disorientation at the sudden change in routine, the sudden end of the easy back and forth between her house and her grandparents’ house, the shift from daily contact with her mother’s family to occasional visits, planned and formal. Like all children in these situations, the young  Hilary Mantel could not understand why these relationships are not permanent, why things change that shouldn't change. But like all children in these situations, she understood perfectly that she had no say. A child has no say. 

*****

When she was seven, Hilary wandered into a corner of her back garden, and saw a demon. Her account of this event is vivid, terrifying, and entirely believable. I believe it. She was convinced for some time after that she had committed a terrible sin by failing to avert her eyes in time, by seeing what “no human person was meant to see.” And she seems to accept that punishment for this sin would be entirely deserved and justified. 

For a few pages, I thought that the rest of the book might be about the aftermath of the demonic encounter. But then, Hilary’s body was taken over by a different type of demon, agonizing pain that was finally diagnosed as endometriosis, but not until she suffered years of medical indifference, misdiagnosis, over-medication, weight gain, hair loss, and finally the loss of her ovaries and uterus. And that still wasn’t enough, because endometriosis can return even when the responsible organ is gone. 

I’m very lucky that I have never suffered ill health. I mean, I have been sick here and there, and injured here and there, but ill health of the chronic, relentless, no-one-understands and no-one-believes-it-anyway variety is a form of misery that I have been lucky enough to escape. Depression and anxiety are both forms of chronic illness, of course, but I know that that’s what I have. I always have known. And sometimes I seek help and most of the time I don’t. But I never have to wonder what is wrong with me. 

Hilary Mantel is in her late 60s, so she was a young woman in the late 1960s through early 1980s. At that time, young women were easily and carelessly dismissed as hysterical, flighty, attention-seeking, unstable, self-dramatizing...and I guess that still happens. But young women today are far less likely to put up with what Hilary Mantel endured. They’re much less likely to allow a doctor to tell them that their real pain is not real, that it’s imagined, that it’s caused by hysteria or an overactive imagination. 

*****

Eventually, Hilary recovered and was restored to health, but only partially. She had been naturally and enviably thin for her whole life until the endometriosis and medications and hormonal disruption brought on by the hysterectomy and oophorectomy caused her to gain a great deal of weight very quickly. 

I gain and lose the same 15 pounds over and over again. Thanks to the damn ‘rona, the 15 lost pounds have found me again, and they brought five friends. 20 pounds is not a small amount of weight. If you put 20 pounds worth of stuff in a tote bag and carry it around all day, you’ll be tired. I have personal experience with this, so trust me. But 20 pounds is also not enough weight that I look drastically different than I did six months ago. Some of my clothes are too tight now. I see the difference when I catch a side glimpse of myself in the mirror. But even though it’s not that much, I can feel it. My arms make contact with my midsection differently than when I’m thinner. My stomach is in the way when I lie on my side. It’s awkward. 

It’s really more than just a few pounds, though. Getting older is very hard. In addition to the weight gain, my hair is not right, and I can’t make it right, and I can’t decide what, if anything, to do about it. I had an appointment to get it cut today, and the stylist just had to cancel. This is really just as well, because it’s never a good idea to schedule a haircut when no part of you feels right or comfortable, because the haircut will make things worse and not better. And what does my hair have to do with this anyway? Wasn’t this a book review? 

*****

I never did figure out what ghost Hilary was giving up--maybe it was the demon, or her stepfather, or her once-healthy body. Maybe all three. But I’m giving up a few of my own, however reluctantly. I feel invisible. I feel alienated from myself, like my body is something I need to escape from, but it might be time to adjust and accept that this is what I look like now, and this is how I feel, and a person in her 50s can’t ever be a person in her 40s again. Invisible is not the worst thing to be, anyway. It can even be a superpower. 


Friday, October 2, 2020

Unprofitable servant

I keep thinking that this year can’t get any crazier, any weirder, any more goshforsaken terrible, but it keeps surprising me. Now the President has the damn ‘rona. And no, of course I’m not happy about it. I can’t understand how anyone celebrates another person’s sickness. 

*****

It was a very busy work day for me. I had to develop a slide presentation for a high-level meeting next week; high enough level that I myself will probably not attend. I took notes and scribbles and vague suggestions from a whole kitchen full of cooks, and I ended up with something that nearly everyone was happy with. They were happy, so i was happy. 

*****

Screwtape reminds us that the devil is happiest when we are satisfied with ourselves. In The Hope of the Gospel, George McDonald reminds us that we should never seek the admiration or approval of others. When we do what we should do, we should regard ourselves as the unprofitable servant, having done only what was expected and required. 

*****

I thought about this as I tried to separate satisfaction at a job well done from enjoying others’ praise for a job well done, and as I tried to avoid congratulating myself for not being a person who revels in the sufferings of others. An unprofitable servant, I did what was expected and required. Most days, that’s all I can do. 

Thursday, October 1, 2020

A plague of another kind

My sister’s dog Duke likes to lie on the floor of their living room with his head underneath one of the couches. Don’t ask me. He’s a dog. He’s weird. Last night, during the “debate,” my sister sent me a picture of Duke with his head under the couch. She was watching the whole shit show on TV, and wishing that she could join Duke under the couch. I didn’t watch even a minute, and I’m not watching the next two, either.

Friends and family who know how much I detest President Trump try to draw me into arguments about how much worse the Democrats are. I tell them to please please please not waste one moment of their precious, limited, God-given time on earth trying to get me fired up to defend the Democratic party. They're just as bad as the Republicans.

*****

I had to look up the quote about a foolish consistency being the hobgoblin of little minds. For some reason, I thought that it originated with a politician; maybe Woodrow Wilson. But it was Emerson. Anyway, not all consistency is foolish. Among the many things that are bothering me about the poisonous political climate of 2020 is the inconsistency of partisans who blithely dismiss crimes committed by their own party but scream with outrage at crimes committed by the other. Why on earth is any political interest group, any candidate, any office-holder worthy of such blind, stupid devotion that people are willing to twist logic, reason, and truth to accommodate their prevailing political narrative? 

That is what’s bothering me in general. Here’s what’s bothering me in particular. 

Regarding the Supreme Court:

  • I’m sad at RBG’s passing. I hate that she thought that abortion access meant freedom for women, but she did a great deal for women’s rights in the workplace that a lot of people in power would like to undo. 

  • HOWEVER. Dying wish or not, no SCOTUS justice gets to set the terms for the appointment of her replacement. 

  • Amy Coney Barrett is fine. She’s brilliant. I don’t like her positions on immigration or guns, but stop screaming about The Handmaid’s Tale every time a pro-life or religious woman speaks in public. It's stupid. Just stop it. 

  • Do I think that Trump has the right to replace RBG? Yes, Look at the Constitution. 

  • Do I think that Trump and McConnell are shitty and terrible people for announcing their intention to replace RBG before her body was cold? Yes. Yes, I do. It could have waited a few days. 

  • Is there any difference AT ALL between Obama appointing Merrick Garland in 2016 and Trump appointing Amy Coney Barrett in 2020? No, there is not.

  • “But wait! Obama was at the end of his SECOND term, and Trump is at the end of his FIRST term!” 

  • So what? The Constitution says that a President can serve one four-year term or two four-year terms. It doesn’t say that the last year of the second term doesn’t count. Try again. 

  • “But wait! That was a Democratic President with a Republican Senate! This is a Republican President with a Republican Senate!” 

  • Again: So what? Refer to the aforementioned Constitution, which does not outline separate rules of behavior for Senators when the President is of the same party as the Majority Leader vs. when he is of the opposing party. 

  • Those are both bullshit, nonsense, specious arguments. Obama had the right to appoint his nominee, and the Senate was required to consider him. 

  • In fact, that was the Democrats’ position in 2016. Oddly enough, they now believe that a Supreme Court appointment in election year should wait until after the election.

  • How is it possible to take any of these people seriously? 


Regarding “fake news”:

  • If the NYT stories about Trump’s tax returns, and his hush money payments to porn stars and the $200 million dollar gift (not $1 million loan) from his father; and the Atlantic story about Trump’s insults to service members are as completely fabricated and made up as he claims, he not only CAN sue, he SHOULD. 

  • The NYT alone has a lot of money. If he sues and wins, maybe he’d actually BE a billionaire!

  • But truth is a defense against a libel claim. 

  • If he doesn’t sue, then we can be pretty sure that the stories are true. 


Regarding tax returns and emoluments and profiting from the office of President: 

  • Would you like to see someone like Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg or BIll Gates become President? I wouldn’t. 

  • If one of the aforementioned gentlemen were to declare their candidacy, would you be interested in seeing their tax returns? I would. 

  • What do you think would happen if Jeff Bezos declared himself as a Democratic Presidential candidate, and the Republicans demanded to see his tax returns? 

  • Would he say “Oh my goodness, of course, here you are--full disclosure.” 

  • OR would he say “HA HA HA HA HA! That is hilarious. Tax returns. You’re adorable.” 

  • I think I know what he’d say. 

  • What do you think would happen if Bill Gates declared himself as a Democratic Presidential candidate, and the Republicans insisted that he place all of his investments and interest in Microsoft in a blind trust, and have no involvement with the company during his term in office? 

  • Would he say “Of course! One job is enough for me! No time for Azure and Office365 and Windows when I’m trying to run a country!” 

  • OR would he say “HA HA HA! Wait, you guys are serious? Get the fuck outta here.”

  • I think I know what he’d say. 

  • The whole reason why guys like Gates and Zuckerberg and Bezos didn’t used to run for President is that they don’t like to disclose their financial dealings, and they don’t want to stop running their businesses. 

  • Thanks to Trump, they don’t have to do either now. 

  • Oh, and Bezos? He has about 50 times as much money as Trump--more than enough that he can hire a whole team of forensic accountants who will hide his financial tracks so thoroughly that the NYT will never find them. 


Regarding racism: 

  • There’s no reason to fight to preserve Confederate monuments, other than racism. 

  • Trump claims to hate losers and traitors. What is a Confederate general, other than a loser and a traitor? 

  • He knows who the Proud Boys are. Come on. COME ON. 

  • Biden made the comments about not wanting to raise his children in a “racial jungle” many years ago. 

  • So what? Still racist. 

  • And by the way? When BIden said that “You ain’t black” to black people who don’t support the Democrats, that was also hideously racist. Who is he, or anyone, to tell black people how to think or vote? 

  • And that wasn’t years ago. It was this past summer

  • Still, Trump is worse. Way worse. The “good genes” compliments to the white crowds at his rallies are a pretty non-subtle way of saying “I like this crowd because it’s white as the day is long.” 


Regarding the damn 'rona: 

  • Democratic governors and local leaders have done a horrible job of managing this, and the mandatory lockdowns have done much more harm than good. 

  • It’s more than OK to question just about everything about the COVID-19 pandemic. 

  • Is it really possible for a Trump rally to be a super-spreader event, and a BLM protest to be completely safe and COVID-free? 

  • Come on. COME ON. 

  • I support the protestors and their right to protest. But that doesn’t mean that truth and logic don’t apply. A gathering is a gathering. 

  • If we really do see a vaccine before Election Day, I would sooner inject bleach directly into my veins than subject myself or my family to that vaccine. 

  • I don’t really trust any vaccine associated with this disease. 

  • And I am not anti-vaccine. At all. 

  • Anthony Fauci is not evil. He’s also not a great hero and savior of humanity. He’s a bureaucrat. And Donald Trump has one person to blame for how powerful Fauci has become. 

  • Speaking of Donald Trump, why do Trump supporters who oppose lockdowns and masks and social distancing give him a pass in all of this? He’s the President. Why didn’t he do better?  A little bit of leadership and a small demonstration of good faith might have made a difference.

  • I’m not ready to call this a conspiracy. But if and when it’s ever proven to have been one, then I promise you that both the Republicans and the Democrats will have been party to it. 


You know, this is a very long post, and I'm just getting started. It's been a very long year, and a very long election season. Partisan politics is itself a plague and a scourge; but the two major American parties are the most virulent plague and the most hideous scourge. None of these bitches, R or D, is worth one shred of tribal loyalty. Not one shred.